What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 00:00
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
What are your top ten favorite K-pop albums?
Especially a lifetime of it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
How can you tell if someone is cunning?
He resisted the act ,that day.
So, i spoilt her more .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
This is soul school!.
She married twice! .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He knew the spot.
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I write beautiful poetry .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Comes on , in middle age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I think the readers, may guess!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was scared of men, in general
Who then, do I blame.?
She loved him until the end.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was 9 years of age.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was in good health!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But, we were locked up after school.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So whats the point in blame.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im still living with it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was seconnd youngest,
I have no regrets .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One cannot live in the past .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My family never makes their pension either.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
What did i know ?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My life is so biszare .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And i lived it daily.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
Put me off passion for life!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I said to her
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
(And it was in our own minds.)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She wouldn,t have been !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Was to survive, this bastard.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was very sick at this time too.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I will be 64.
All the time i was locked up.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i do to all so called friends.?
When she asked me how she looked .
I don,t even have a pension.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Would this be the day?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were not on the streets..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She found it foreign!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ive learnt so much.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We all went to grammer schools
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It was going to be , some day.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I know ,a lot about trauma.